Posts
I Think My Child Is Being Bullied!
A Guide for Parents
As parents, one of the worst things we can discover is that our children are being bullied. But it's important to know that we can do something about it! What can you -- as a parent -- do if you think you're child is being bullied, and what should you tell your child?
The first step is to confirm your suspicions: Is your child the victim of a bully? Unfortunately, kids may not offer this information voluntarily. "My son came home from school with his shirt torn and scratches on his face," says Paula, whose 9-year-old son, Tyler, was bullied. "I repeatedly asked him if someone was doing this to him. He would say no, that he had fallen, or that his shirt had got caught on the fence. It took me over a month to find out that an older boy was following him home from school and physically hurting him."
There are many reasons why most children are afraid to tell their parents and get them involved. "Bullies may instill a sense of shame in victims," says Kate Cohen-Posey, author of How To Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies. "Either they internalize the names they are being called or feel like they should be able to handle it themselves."
Other factors may include the way they feel their parents will react. "If parents tend to overreact to problems or if children think parents are burdened with enough issues of their own they may not want to upset them," says Cohen-Posey.
Every parent responds differently. Janet dealt with her son's bully in a creative way. "When my son, Paul, was in third grade, a sixth grader met him everyday on his walk to school and demanded that Paul hand over his sandwich," says Janet. "Paul and I had been having fun making fancy sub sandwiches, so the bully was getting a real treat. After two weeks, Paul confessed to me that he hadn't been able to eat his lunch for some time. The next morning I made the Italian sub as usual, but in between the provolone and ham, I slipped an invoice for $3.50, that included the bully's name and street address. That seemed to do the trick! He never approached Paul again."
Paula did not get rid of her son's bully as easily. "I did everything," says Paula. "I talked to the school, I talked to the parents, I even talked to the bully. Nothing worked. We just got lucky that before the next school year started, his family had moved away."
What signs should you look for that might indicate your child is being bullied?
Physical Signs
Children are prone to get cuts, scrapes and bruises, but if your son or daughter has more than you think is "normal" you might want to look into why. Your child will probably be embarrassed to tell you that someone is hurting them, but being physically hurt cannot be tolerated. Find out what's going on!
Another sign to look for is torn clothing. Every child is going to tear their favorite shirt or rip a hole in the knee of their jeans from time to time. But, if this is happening more than you think it should, this could be a sign of being physically abused by a bully.
Complaining of headaches and stomachaches could be another sign of being bullied, especially if this happens right before the child is leaving for school. Both of these symptoms could be an attempt to get out of going to school, but they also could be very real. A lack of appetite can also be a sign. The stress of worrying about a bully can lead to real physical symptoms.
Social Signs
A reluctance to go to school is a major signal that your son or daughter is the victim of a bully. Most bullying occurs on school grounds, and this can affect every aspect of a child's education. A decline in their grades, not wanting to participate in school activities or wanting to quit an activity they already participate in should be looked into. If your son or daughter does not seem to have many friends, find out why! Children try to hide from the bully by staying in the safety of their own homes.
A child who is always losing money at school could be a victim. How many movies have you seen where the bully is taking other kids' lunch money? This really happens! Children being bullied can become very angry. This may be taken out on anyone that is around, including parents and siblings. If you notice that your child is always angry, looks depressed or is aggressive, this could be a sign as well.
So now that you know what to look for, what do you do? This would depend on whether the abuse is physical or verbal.
"If it is physical, parents need to become immediately involved," says Cohen-Posey. "Tell school authorities or press legal charges. Bullying that involves any form of touching is considered battery in most states."
If the abuse is verbal, start by talking with your child. Most bullying acts start off as verbal attacks, then can escalate. "Ask your child questions to find if there were verbal precursors," suggests Cohen-Posey. "Use a casual, curious tone so your child doesn't feel you are angry with him or her. 'Was he mad at you?' 'Did she say something to your before things got really bad?' Then empathize with your child's reaction: 'I can see why that made you so upset.' The less critical parents are of children's feelings, the more details they will find out and how things got started and how serious the situation is."
What is the worst thing a parent can do? "Do not jump to conclusions without finding out as much as you can about the situation," says Cohen-Posey. "It is easy to both overestimate and underestimate the seriousness of situations."
Many parents who find out their child is being picked on want to tell them to fight back. Stick up for yourself! You don't want your child just to sit back and take it, but make sure they know there are right and wrong ways to stand up for yourself. "Do not tell children it's OK to fight without knowing what the battle is all about," say Cohen-Posey. "Children need to know how to pick their battles and learn appropriate ways to 'stand up' for themselves that don't backfire or create more problems. By the same token, don't tell children to just ignore it. Most children are not able to do this without having very hurt feelings."
What to Do as the Parent
- Inform your child's teacher, guidance counselor and principal. Ask the child if he would like to do this himself or if he would like you to do it.
- Stay calm! Finding out your child is being bullied can make you angry and -- sometimes -- irrational. You can better deal with the situation if you stay calm and focused.
- Know all your child's friends. Talk to them and let them know how you feel about bullies. If your child's friends know how you feel, they are more likely to come to you and let you know what's going on.
- Teach your child to be proud of who he is. Let him know it is fine to be different from everyone else. If you start this early, your child will have pride in himself and know he's a wonderful person that should be treated with respect.
- If the abuse is physical and you've already talked to people at the school, contact the bully's parents. Let them know what's going on and you want it to stop. Some parents may not have a clue as to what their son or daughter is doing to other people.
- Consider putting your child in a self-defense course. You don't want to let your child think it is all right to physically hurt the bully, but it's not a bad idea for your child to be able to defend himself should the situation arise. These courses will also boost the child's self-esteem and make him less likely to be a victim.
- If the bully is stealing your child's property, make sure to label everything the child takes to school. This will help in proving the property is your child's, and might act as a deterrent to the bully.
Advice to Give Your Child
- Tell your child to stay in a group. Tell him you always need to know where he is going and with whom. Bullies rarely want to confront a person if they are with a group of people.
- If the abuse is only verbal, tell your child to ignore the bully. Sometimes if bullies are not getting a response, they get bored with it and move on (hopefully not to another victim).
- Advise your child to confront the bully, but only if the abuse is verbal. Tell your son or daughter to let the bully know how they feel and that they want the bully to stop. Sometimes if a bully is stood up to, he will stop.
- Encourage him to talk to an adult, like a teacher, counselor, family member, church leader or family friend. While we all want our children to feel comfortable and be able to talk to us about anything, some may want to talk to someone else first. This will get the problem out in the open, and then you will have a chance to discuss it with your child.
http://childrentoday.com/resources/articles/martialarts.htm
